What Are We Really Fighting About? How to Transform Conflicts into Conversations gives couples permission to fight. Because, after all, everyone does. They fight about loaded issues like financial infidelity and different ways of spending money, sexual infidelity, working too much, traveling too much, fighting too much, not being involved in childcare, interfering in-laws, levels of intimacy, routine sex or boring sex, body image, guilt, secrets, vulnerability, hopes, and fears. And the elephant in the room: Why won’t he/she /they change?

We’re so conditioned to think that all fights and arguments are bad, but that isn’t true. This book shows couples that fighting can be productive if they learn to fight in a way that isn’t hurtful and shift away from entrenched patterns that aren’t working. It’s okay to feel angry with a partner and have a heated argument if couples fight with respect, acceptance, and love—and then reconcile differences and disagreements.

What Are We Really Fighting About? shows couples exactly how to change sides—to understand their partners’ pain, to acknowledge and appreciate their perspective, and ultimately to create an environment where vulnerability is welcome. Many examples of couples who have successfully mastered the art of productive arguments will enable readers to use these techniques in their own relationships. As a result, readers will learn how to fight better by articulating what they need and what is possible, and then find ways to make conflict productive and healthy. Developing the skills to turn conflicts into conversations will open the space for understanding.